


Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

by Chianine



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: HYDRA Trash Party, Humiliation, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:15:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chianine/pseuds/Chianine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he's not being raped, beaten, or forced to commit murder, the Winter Soldier has a lot of time alone to dream and wonder what it would be like to not be treated like a piece of trash. He makes up a fantasy friend who would be big and strong and come and rescue him from HYDRA and all the people who hurt him. Then he would take the Soldier home and give him good food and wash him and touch him softly and take him to his nice warm bed and kiss him and hold him close and keep him safe.</p><p>Of course when he imagines this friend it's always a blonde blue-eyed handsome man. The Soldier decides to give this imaginary friend a name and the only one that comes to mind is Steve...</p><p>He doesn't realize that this person isn't made up - he is a memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

**Author's Note:**

> Yep. Named after a Smiths song. Don't worry, no one's laughing at me more than myself.
> 
> This was a self-filled prompt I created for the Trash Party. The summary is the prompt.

Even though he can easily walk into his cell, he's pushed inside with a jab and a shock from the stun baton. He falls to his knees and hears the door slam behind him. He will be left with his handcuffs on. He could easily break them, but that would only mean more punishment when they return. 

The handcuffs do not matter because he doesn't need anything but his mind for what he is about to do. He crawls on his knees to the wall and slumps against it, turning over on his backside. Then he closes his eyes and lets his mind do the work.

 

_It always starts the same. He hears shouts in the hall outside his cell as the agents are all being killed. He is programmed to feel nausea when he imagines himself injuring them but he can feel great satisfaction from someone else doing it. It is a fault in his programming but he tells no one this._

_Then the man comes into his cell and walks over to the Soldier. This is the first time they see each other. The man is beautiful; he has golden hair and blue eyes, the eyes are very light in color and the Soldier feels that he can see deep into them, and there he finds nothing but gentleness. He is gentle but strong, too. He is perfect._

_“Have they hurt you?” the man asks, and the Soldier nods. “They will never hurt you again. I have destroyed them.” The man touches the Soldier's arm, and it feels good because his hands are as gentle as his face. “You look cold and sad and lonely. I am very lonely, too. I have no one to love me and be my friend. Would you like to be my friend? You can come home with me and I can take care of you.”_

_The man takes him home. The house is very nice and there are soft things in it. “Are you hungry, Soldier?” he asks. “I can make you some good food to eat, and you can have as much of it as you want. I am happy to have a friend to make food for, and if you want, I will teach you how to make food and we can make it for each other from now on.”_

_The Soldier watches as he makes the food. There are lots of shiny tools and bright objects that smell good when you cut them. The man uses fire and water, too. He explains what he is doing and is very patient and never gets angry when the Soldier makes a mistake._

_They eat the food and it is very good. He is very full and it does not make his stomach hurt._

_The man sees that the Soldier is dirty, but this does not make him angry either. “Are you tired of itching? I can help you get clean if you want.”_

_The man fills a large receptacle with warm water. It feels good when the Soldier sits down in it. The man has many objects in his receptacle that the Soldier has never seen before. There is no disinfectant powder or brush. “Would you like me to wash you?” The man uses a cloth and some liquid and rubs it over his body very gently. He uses the cloth as well as his bare hand, which is warm and soft and feels better than anything the Soldier has ever felt. He wants the man to never stop touching him. The Soldier thinks that this must be what love feels like._

_When he is done getting clean, the man dries him with a towel and gives him loose clothes to wear. Then he says, “Soldier, I am very tired from the difficult mission I performed today. I am going to sleep in my bed now. Would you like to come and sleep with me in my bed?”_

_His bed is very large and soft. There are large pillows and blankets on them and he can cover himself to feel warm. When they are both under the blankets, the man says, “Soldier, I would like to hold your body in my arms while we rest. You are my friend now and you are more special to me than any other items in my house. I want to be sure that you are secure and protected while I sleep in case someone attacks us and tries to take you from me.”_

_The Soldier feels very warm and safe in the man's arms. He is sure that they can repel an attack and will still be together in the morning to make good food again._

 

The Soldier did poorly on his next mission. It was completed but not within time parameters and one of his handlers was killed, leaving evidence at the scene of the incident. Now there would have to be another mission to solve the issues of his failure. He was beaten and dumped in his cell.

He wondered if he had failed because he had been distracted. One thing had struck him during the mission – that most people have names. He did not have one, but that was because he didn't deserve one. The man, though, the one he loved but was not real, did deserve a name. He would have to put some thought into what it should be. He didn't want to use any of the names of the agents he worked with, but he could make one up. A made-up name for a made-up man.

Naming him would require a lot of consideration and he was in pain while he waited for his wounds to heal. He chose instead to spend his night imagining being with him.

 

_After the Soldier is rescued and they eat the good food, it is time for his washing. This time the man doesn't use a washcloth, only his bare hands. He washes every part of his body, even his private places and the Soldier is not scared because he knows the man only wants to help him. He loves him and he can be trusted._

On the parts of his body that aren't bruised, the Soldier strokes his skin with his fingertips, imagining how the man would touch him. The sensation flares, sending a warmth through his body that almost overwhelms the pain.

He lets his fingers move over his face, imagining that his is the face of a loved object, something someone would never hurt and only protect. He touches his lips, and even the softness of his tongue, taking his wet fingers and running them over his neck and jaw.

_When he is finished getting clean, they go to bed. This time they do not wear shirts because their shared warmth is sufficient. The Soldier can feel the man's flesh on his back as he holds him, telling him how important he is. “I love you,” the man says, and brushes the hair away from his neck so that he can press his lips to him._

 

The Soldier falls asleep on the floor, imagining he is somewhere else. When he wakes up the next morning, there is a name in his mind - _Steve._ Clearly his mind worked out the name he needed to find for his friend. It seemed perfect, too. There was no one he knew by that name, and when he imagined calling the man that, his beautiful features seemed even more clear in his imagination. The story changes now.

 

_There are gunshots and shouting in the hall. A man rushes in, his face is coated in sweat and grime but he is beautiful underneath. He rushes over to the Soldier, falling on his knees. He has a large circular object, like a shield that clangs when he throws it aside. He takes the Soldier's face in his hands, smoothing the hair away and looking in his eyes. He keeps saying a word that the Soldier doesn't understand. It sounds like “buddy”, a familiar term that he hears the agents and handlers use with each other._

_The Soldier isn't sure how to respond so he just says the man's new name. “Steve?”_

_Steve takes the Soldier into his arms and crushes him against his chest. He isn't being gentle and he's very upset. The Soldier can hear him crying into his neck. When he pulls away, his face is red and wet. “C'mon buddy, I'm taking you home. It's all over, they’re never gonna hurt you again.”_

_Steve picks up his strange weapon and then pulls the Soldier to his feet. He is very strong._

_When they are at home, Steve wants the Soldier to rest. He doesn't want help making the good food. This time the Soldier can taste what the food is like. Some of it is sweet, some of it salty, and there are different textures, too. Crunchy, soft, creamy. It is the best food he's ever had._

_After the good food, Steve tells the Soldier to take a bath. The Soldier doesn't know what that is, or even where the word came from in his mind. When he asks Steve to explain, Steve looks sad and takes him to the water receptacle._

_The Soldier strips while Steve is filling the receptacle, and then gets in the water, waiting for Steve to start taking care of him._

_Instead Steve turns away. “All right. You know what to do?”_

_“No,” he answers._

_“Do you want my help?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Steve takes a cloth and begins to wash him._

_“Will you use your hands?” the Soldier asks._

_“Sure,” Steve says, and begins rubbing his wet hands over the Soldier's skin. It feels good, but Steve seems nervous and won't look at him._

_The Soldier is afraid that Steve is unhappy about having to help him. “Are you angry?”_

 

The Soldier is starting to feel very sad about how this story is going. He can't seem to tell his mind that Steve is supposed to be happy to to touch him. He is supposed to love the Soldier.

But maybe Steve can't love the Soldier because the Soldier doesn't deserve it. The Soldier makes work hard for other people. That's what the handlers say. Steve is a perfect man who is strong and beautiful and he would never love someone weak and stupid like him.

The door to his cell is opened and he is called to his mission. 

 

The mission is successful. Unfortunately his only reward for doing good is sex which he does not enjoy. The entire team uses him and though he becomes aroused, he never feels good. He is returned to his cell, sore from the celebration. At least he was not beaten.

His success makes him feel confident that he can fix the story with Steve. He wants to feel Steve's touch, not the touch of the men who beat him or use him in turn.

 

_”Are you angry?”_

_“What? No!” Steve answers. “I just... don't want you to feel uncomfortable about me touching you. I know people have been touching you however they want, and that's not right. I want to be careful. I want to help you, without making you feel scared.”_

_Now the Soldier understands that Steve was nervous because he does love him. Steve wants to make the Soldier happy, but he does not know what the Soldier wants and is scared to upset him._

_“I want you to touch me. It feels good the way you do it.”_

_“Well, okay.”_

_Steve moves closer to the receptacle so that he can get his hands all over the Soldier. He pours water over his body and then rubs the cleaning liquid into his skin. He is very gentle, just as he was before. He washes the Soldier's hair and is very careful not to get the cleaner in his eyes._

_“Do you really want me to wash every part of you?”_

_The Soldier nods and gets on his knees so Steve can rub the cleaning liquid on the lower parts of his body._

 

Still frustrated from the party, the Soldier is palming himself through the rough fabric of his pants. He touches himself as gently as he knows Steve would, which only teases the desire for release. He normally hates being aroused, but he doesn't want this to be over. He wants to suffer for Steve. 

 

_Steve is drying him off and the Soldier notices the way his hair falls over his forehead from where it's parted on the right. When he looks at the Soldier, he notices how thick and black his eyelashes are. He's never noticed these details about him before._

_“Do you want to sleep in the bed with me, or you can -”_

_“Yes,” the Soldier answers quickly._

_When they are in bed, Steve does not ask to hold him. But the Soldier now knows that he needs to tell Steve that he wants this. He moves closer and lays his body alongside Steve's._

_“What's up, Bucky?”_

 

The soldier opens his eyes and his hand stills. The word _Bucky_ has such a hold on his mind that he has to remember to breathe. When he does, he decides he has confused it with _buddy_. He doesn't want to think about this, he wants to go back to the story.

 

_”What's up, buddy?”_

_“I want to be close to you. It makes me feel safe.”_

_“Of course.” Steve moves his arm to allow the Soldier to tuck himself into it. He can lay his head on Steve's chest. Steve doesn't mind having to feel the metal arm tucked beneath him, nor does he mind when the Soldier lays his hand on Steve's chest to feel his heartbeat. He is allowed to run his hand along the muscled strength of his body and feels a gentle squeeze, letting the Soldier know that it is good. He presses the hot, sensitive part of himself against Steve's leg and feels a thrill. His stomach is twisting but he wants more. Steve turns to face him, and the Soldier can feel and smell his breath on his lips. He smells good, clean. He does not kiss the Soldier but he can tell that Steve wants to. The Soldier decides to be brave and presses his lips first, and Steve hums. He likes it. The Soldier is being good._

 

Now the Soldier is rubbing his groin much harder, imagining that he his riding against his friend's body. He chokes back the sounds coming out of his throat, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He has never been told not to do this, but he is sure he will be punished if he is caught. He looks to the door of his cell to see if anyone is watching him through the window.

 

_Steve lets the Soldier lick between his lips and taste the soft inside of his mouth. The taste is even better than the good food. He is getting so hard as he feels Steve's hands reach down and touch him, taking him in his hands and squeezing him softly. He feels Steve kiss his neck and then lift his shirt away to kiss his chest. Steve barely presses his lips to the Soldier's skin but the feeling is intense, even more intense than the blows or needle pricks he receives daily. He can feel warm breath below his navel, where Steve continues kissing him as he lowers his pants._

 

The Soldier has forgotten to be quiet. He opens his fly and spits into his flesh hand, gasping as he coats himself in the wetness. He's desperate, trying to be gentle but driven by a need that has him shaking as he works himself.

 

_He can feel Steve's tongue and lips on him for only a moment before Steve speaks. “Are you sure you want this, buddy?”_

_“Yes,” the Soldier sounds so weak but he knows it's okay when he is with Steve._

_“I just want to make you feel good.”_

_Steve takes him in his mouth. The feeling takes his breath away and his body tenses. He has to remember to stay calm. Steve is touching and kissing him and moaning around him, doing it just the way Soldier has been taught to do. But he does not pull Steve's hair or tighten his fingers around his throat. He only pets Steve's hair, whimpering and knowing how he sounds weak again, but Steve doesn't get angry. He likes making the Soldier feel this way. It's good to feel this way._

 

The door to his cell flies open and and the Soldier stuffs himself into his pants and stands up. It's Agent Rumlow. He flinches as the agent presses him against the wall and squeezes the Soldier's swollen flesh with his other hand. 

“Who said you were permitted to touch yourself?” Rumlow squeezes painfully hard and twists. The Soldier cries out.

The agent stands back and looks the Soldier. More punishment is surely coming, but instead Rumlow says,“Go ahead and finish.”

This is not what the Soldier was expecting. Is it a trick, or is it meant to humiliate him? There is no point in considering this question. He must comply. He takes himself slowly out of his pants and closes his eyes.

“ _No!_ ” Rumlow slaps his face. “Open your eyes and look at me.”

The Soldier hates this man's face. His eyes are cold and penetrating, always looking for whatever wasn't broken inside him yet. The other men treated the Soldier like an object but Agent Rumlow knew very well that the Soldier still felt pain. He also knew that there were other ways to hurt the Soldier besides physical injury.

“Right here,” Rumlow gestures from the Soldier's eyes to his own.

They lock on each other. The Soldier uses the metal hand to bring himself to climax. He knows that this isn't supposed to feel good - this is his punishment. The Soldier is well-trained at this activity and manages to finish it quickly.

“Now lick that shit off your fingers,” Rumlow instructs, and the Soldier obeys quickly. Then he pushes the Soldier back against the wall and squeezes his mouth open. “You come when I _say_ you come, understood?” He spits into the Soldier's mouth, and then jams it shut so that so that he can feel his teeth grinding against each other. “Swallow.” The Soldier complies.

Rumlow is gone before the Soldier has time to slide down the wall back to his place on the cold floor. The sour taste in his mouth is familiar and real. When he had looked into the agent's eyes, he remembered that it was good for him to be embarrassed and hurt, because those things were real and they made him stronger. He needed to use up all of his feelings, because when they were finally gone he would actually become the weapon they needed. His orgasm had made him feel as empty and blank as the Asset is supposed to be.

Steve is not real. The Winter Soldier had made him up because he wanted something to make him feel that it was okay to be weak. Real or not, Steve belonged to the Soldier, just as the Soldier belonged to the men he served. He could do anything he wanted to Steve. He could love him as well as punish him. It would be good to punish Steve, because he was making the Soldier weak.

 

_The Soldier takes Steve by his hair and pulls him off of him. Steve's lips are red and wet and his face is confused and scared. He is supposed to be strong but he is weak and dirty because of what he was doing, serving the Soldier like that. Steve should be embarrassed for wanting to do that. He will be beaten now._

_The Soldier throws his metal fist into Steve's face, knocking him off the bed. The Soldier moves quickly to set on him, though Steve makes no attempt to fight back. He only begs._

_“Bucky, please don't – wait!”_

_It is disgusting to beg but Steve is disgusting so this is to be expected. The Soldier drags him to his feet and throws him into the wall, then wraps his hands around his neck and begins to squeeze. He wants to stop the confusing not-real words that come out of his mouth and choke off the not-real breath in his lungs and stop the not-real beating of his not-real heart. The only punishment Steve deserves is death._

_Steve's hands are wrapped around the Soldier's wrists, pushing him away as he fights for life. This is what all targets do when you choke them to death. Steve is strong, but when he manages to take off enough pressure to breathe, he wastes it with words._

_“Bucky, please,” he rasps, “try to remember...”_

_As the Soldier continues to squeeze, he feels the world of Steve's apartment fading around him, as if it was himself about to black out, as if it was himself that he was killing._

_...Sergeant... three-two-five-five-seven-one-five-nine... Barnes... James... Sergeant... three-two-five-five-seven-one-five-nine..._

_Out of the darkness he can hear gunshots and shouting. It takes great effort to open his eyes and his vision is hazy. The room is large, dark, and empty. His body feels strange – small and weak. He is laying down, but when he tries to sit up he finds that he is strapped down. The bonds are canvas and he should be able to break them but he has no strength. His body is useless and in his mind he can only hear what seems like random, meaningless words repeating themselves, blotting out the sounds of danger he can hear all around him._

_“Barnes... James... Sergeant... three-two-five-five-seven-one-five-nine... Barnes... James... Sergeant... three-two-five-five-seven-one-five-nine...”_

_His lips begin to move and he allows himself to speak them into the darkness. They have no meaning, but they make him feel warm and comfortable._

_Suddenly there is someone there, upon him, shaking him. “Bucky? Bucky!”_

_He tries to focus on the face above him. He knows this face, though it is the last person he would have expected. “Steve? Steve is that you?”_

 

“Wake the fuck up! C'mon!”

The Soldier opens his eyes. It is Agent Rumlow shaking him awake. He had been dreaming.

“Shit, did you hear what he was saying?” There was another agent in the room. This was Sitwell, the one who usually briefed him on his missions. He was pointing at the Soldier and seemed upset. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“What he was saying while you were trying to wake him up!”

“He was mumbling.” Rumlow shrugs. “It was probably Russian, who gives a shit.”

“No,” Sitwell shakes his head, “That wasn't Russian. He needs to be wiped. You've gotta wipe him before we brief him.”

Rumlow gets up from where he he was crouching next to the Soldier and approaches Sitwell, who backs up. “We don't have time to wipe him,” he says into his face. “The target is on the move.”

He is suited and led to the small briefing room. His team is there, the handlers and other agents that he will lead on this mission. The Soldier is a program designed to find the best course of action for completing missions. These men will take orders from him until the objective is complete, and then he will be theirs to do what they want with.

The briefing folder is on the table in front of Sitwell. He opens it. The first page lists the name, history, and general information of his target. _Rogers, Steven Grant. Captain, United States Army, O-4515966. DOB:07/04/1918. Ht:6'2. Wt:240. Hair:Bl. Eyes:Bl. Carries a 30' vibranium alloy shield that is used as a weapon. Physical strength and stamina enhanced..._

The Soldier can see the edge of a photograph behind the information sheet. Words are running through his mind but he can't grasp their meaning because he is distracted by the edge of the glossy print. Eventually he finishes reading and must turn the page.

_His dream stories must have become very powerful now because he cannot tell when he is having them. Also, they are no longer affected by the programming that usually controls his thoughts and behavior. To disguise his emotional response to the photograph, he finds himself able to press his fingers against the edges of the folder more tightly so that they do not tremble. He is also thankful for the teflon mask which should hiding any change to the color of his face._

Sitwell clears his throat. “Suggestions for course of action?”

_In the photograph, Steve is beautiful. The Soldier would like to run his fingers over the surface of the print but it would not feel like skin. He knows that when they meet in person, he will be even more beautiful, so he will wait._

“Suggestions for course of action?” Rumlow calls from the back of the room. 

_The Soldier knows he is not supposed to be allowing himself to have these dreams, and so he decides to make this one the last. This will be the best one, too, because this time he will not be weak and stupid. This time he will be the one to rescue Steve. He will arrange the attack so that his team will be destroyed, and when Steve understands that he has saved his life, he will love the Soldier because he is strong and intelligent and powerful._

Rumlow whistles and his voice is very angry. “Hello? Suggestions for course of action?!” 

_The Soldier hopes that after the team is destroyed and Steve has been saved, there will be enough time left in the story to make the good food. He is already feeling very hungry._


End file.
